I grew up as an inactive Latter-day Saint. My siblings and I attended primary every so often. I didn't have many friends growing up because who wants to play with the inactive members? Apparently not them. It was hard growing up different then everyone else around us. When I got older my twin sister started going back to church, she would politely ask me if I wanted to go and I would just say "no." I didn't know what I believed. I have gone a few times to Young Womens but I felt like I was being judged for why I didn't come before. I let my pride get in the way, and I was questioning how God's children could hate/discriminate against their brothers and sisters. I didn't want to go back to church, but decided to go anyways. I was around 16 at the time and decided to stop hanging out with the people I hung out with. They would swear and be rude to people, so I would swear and be rude to others. They weren't good for me and I knew I needed to change. I didn't know how lonely it would get when I decided to become active again. I hadn't done anything bad, but the person I was becoming nobody, including myself, didn't like.
I went back, and people treated me as though I was an outcast. I guess I was. I believed what they believed but I didn't look like them, or act like them. I was shut out by a lot of people, and I had never felt so alone. The year after I started going back to church was the hardest year. Most of my friends were "there for me" unless somebody cooler and prettier was there. Even leaders seemed to resent. I was shy, and had really low self esteem and none of this bitterness was helping. I had some callings I was put in to make me feel more included, or so I thought. Now I know, I was called by God. And he knew I needed to help people other than myself. It was a constant battle between wanting to change my attitude towards those who resented me, and resenting them. In Laurels I was the president, and I had to stick up for many of the girls rather then us spending time figuring out ways we could help them. When really I was one who needed someone to look up to and care about me. I needed someone to help me feel good about myself. I started doubting myself and kindness. I thought that everyone was unkind to anyone who was different. Or who was struggling. (even though to be honest, everyone has their own struggles.) I wasn't going to go back to church. I was going to become inactive because I was questioning what I believed. I know this may seem dramatic and you might not understand, but I had never felt so alone and confused.
I decided to pray. I prayed and asked Heavenly Father what I should do. I liked the person I had become, and I cared so much about others. I didn't understand why I felt like this. After graduation I decided I would not go to church and still believe. BUT I then met a family that would forever change my life. They were sent from heaven, and we had just met them two weeks before graduation. The daughter asked me to go to Young Single Adult ward with her, and I said I would think about it. I was nervous because it was a Samoan ward, and well as you all know I am WHITE (Samoan/Hawaiian in heart) ;). Anyways I decided to go and give it a chance because I really did believe in the church. It was awesome. I remember feeling so loved and welcomed, me this white girl felt like she belonged. It didn't matter if I was inactive. It didn't matter what I looked like or that I was super shy. While someone was teaching the lesson, I had my own revelation. I needed to go to church for me. I didn't need to prove to the girls in my home ward that I went to church. I could go and feel the spirit for me and work on improving my own testimony. God knew that I needed these accepting and loving people in my life. And they still are a huge part of my life and I will forever be so grateful for them. When I am with them, I can be who I really am. People don't assume that I know my scriptures for seminary that I barely attended. They don't care I had doubts about the church. They treat me like a sister, and I know that I am not alone.
After going back to church for me, it was hard because I felt so guilty about being mean to everyone I had known before. There was something in my heart that felt sad, like I had let myself down. I was trying to become like Jesus, but I really wasn't trying hard enough. It is hard to feel compassion towards people who have heart you, and made you feel worthless. Trust me I know. Another thing I know that it is possible to feel compassion to those who have treated you with hardness, because ALL things are possible when the Lord is on your side. I decided to pray and ask for help to forgive those who didn't know they were hurting me with their words and stares. I still see some of them, but I do not feel hatred. I feel sad that I was not kinder to them, I feel sad that they didn't know how they made me feel so alone. I forgive them, but I still hurt from those experiences.
People aren't always nice. They hurt us and they sometimes don't even know how bad we are hurting. But we must love and forgive them so that we are able to move on and strive toward becoming more like Christ. Even through not having friends, I wish I would've known that I was never alone. God is always there to support us and encourage us. He loves us so much, that we must not feel alone, sad, mad, and etc. We should feel joy, because we always have someone to talk to that knows what it is like to have everyone hate him, and feel so much pain. He knows. He knows you personally and he is waiting to help you. Things may not always go as you planned, certain people you care so much about might not feel the same way about you. But you know what? God will always love you. He will love you when you make mistakes, and when you don't. I love the gospel so much and it is so comforting to know that we have someone on our side, always.
